my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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