He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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