I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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