i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
