I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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