We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
