its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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