im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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