Whod you bang
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
