I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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