My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
