I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
