shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
