Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
