Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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