I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
