its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
