anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
