Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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