God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
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