Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
