I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
