I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
