...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
