I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
May the power of my ass compel you!!
how drunk are you?
Several
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
