He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
