Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
