Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
