It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
