There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
