I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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