She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
