I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
