SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
