This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
