Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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