Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
