Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
