So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Randomize
