Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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