Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
