Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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