how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I can text with my tongue
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
