If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
