Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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