Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
