dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Randomize
