I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
