3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
