God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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